Please step inside, and excuse the smell of burning. We don’t know from where it came. The art on the walls is stunning, but please ignore it, as it cares only for itself and may leave you wanting. You’ll notice the intricate rug, imported from another country, where we traveled once. The trip seems long ago, and was filled with emotional trial. Thank you for asking, but we don’t care to talk about such difficult times. That is not a tear in my eye, and the choking quality you may hear in my voice was induced by an excess of elegant foreign cigarettes. Please don’t smoke inside.

The bed is large enough for company, but none of you may sleep here. We don’t sleep well with company. There are some pills in the nightstand. The nightstand is antique, and the pills are from another country. We’ll give you a detailed list, including dosage, to take home. Many of you live far away, as you know. As you obviously know.

I apologize for speaking so inanely. We’ve had a difficult year.

You’ll find tea, liquor and chocolates in the kitchen. Again, I apologize–I don’t remember where we bought the chocolates, but I’m sure you could easily find them. Please help yourselves.

I’m sorry, but did you hear that noise? That high-pitched, whining noise? There. Wait! Be quiet for a moment, please!

I’m sorry. It must have stopped.

Let’s move on to the bathroom. The tub was cracked in an event of historical significance, and we wouldn’t dream of repairs. Instead, we bathe outdoors when it rains. As you know, it’s raining heavily now. If you don’t leave soon, we might consider you the cause of missed opportunity. Please don’t be offended. We’re nothing if not candid. In time, you may come to appreciate our honesty. Please move on.

Perhaps we could all sit down? There’s space on the covered sofa, and you may move chairs from the corners. There. Please don’t sit on the floor. When you sit on the floor, we feel ashamed and inhospitable. When you look at me like that, I feel desperate and sad. And when you ask to stay, I can only say no.